A note of thanks
So, I have been away stu[dying] for the Bar Exam. And over the course of the summer, many of my fellow Bar-takers and friends from school have been posting hilarious/sad-but-true/insane blog posts of many people venting about the process of studying for the Bar. Today's buzzworthy post is this little gem, and I can't say I haven't felt exactly like the author the last few days.
The July 2011 California Bar Exam starts a week from today and lasts 3 days. In the next week, I still have four new areas of law I have yet to cover, and I'm still desperately trying to review/memorize the other 12 areas of law I've gone through once. I got what I thought was the flu in June, gave myself a few days to rest then, only to be in the ER a week later with a serious bacterial infection, which my doctors are still completely stumped by. Then my husband, around the same time, became hobbled by bone spurs in his ankles, making it all but impossible for him to walk, and is now waiting on surgical options in San Francisco. All in all, this means that I lost about 7-10 full days of studying, (including a few days where I think I just had a panic attack and quit life). I got so behind on my online syllabus with my Bar Review course that they have, to date, sent me 3 emails expressing their concern with my progress and that they feel I am jeopardizing my chances passing the Exam unless I pull it together and turn in my homework. I'm pretty sure these e-mails triggered 2 out of the 3 "freaked out to the point of paralysis" days. I have also had serious trouble sleeping, initially requiring the use of sleeping pills, and most recently, a small dosage of melatonin at night.
I write all of this to say that I completely understand how my peers feel (I am very honestly and truthfully concerned I will not pass the Bar exam this time), and that I, too, have wanted to snap at people who flippantly say "Oh I'm sure you'll do fine!" whenever I whine about the exam. Its true, non-lawyers and non-law student friends really don't understand what its like (I give exception to my medical professional friends, whom I think can relate). And its hard to swallow their well-meaning but ill-advised comments at a time when running out of binder clips is enough to send me into a fit of rage.
But in my personal experience, my friends, family, and community have gotten it far more right than they have gotten it wrong these last 2 months, and for that I am eternally grateful.
My mother has been a wonderfully encouraging champion and has given me lots of pep talks until most recently, when I calmly and rationally explained my fears about failing the Bar. She listened quietly, sat there for a minute in silence, and instead of waving off my concerns, just said "You know, if you do fail, its not the end of the world. We just take it again. We hope we pass the first time, but if we don't, we take it again. That's it." She then proceeded to say, "I feel bad, because I feel like maybe I should have been more worried with you instead of just assuming you'd pass and telling you so all this time." She's also only called me twice this summer, when I was sick. Otherwise, she's let me be the one to initiate contact, so that I could do it at my leisure, and when I felt I needed it. God bless her.
My brother and Dad have similarly followed suit. My brother has sent a few welfare-check e-mails to tell me he loves me. That's it. My non-lawyer friends have also only called a few times to check in. Many have resorted to cards, e-mails, and text messages, thinking a phone call would be too jarring. Many others have prayed with me, prayed for me, or have simply put a hand on my shoulder after church telling me that I have been in their prayers and that they love me. Its as if everyone around me is saying "We understand its hard right now and we want to give you all the breathing room you need to cope with this situation the best way you know how."
But you know what is the best thing my friends and family have done this summer? They haven't left me out of the loop when something wonderful OR equally terrible has happened to them. Despite the fact that I look/sound like Gollum most days, I have gotten joyous phone calls about engagements, pregnancies and babies being born this summer. I've gotten news about cancer diagnoses (yes, multiple), accidents, and financial meltdowns. All of this news was shared with me without any expectation that I would have the time or emotional stamina to talk very long, or be able to do anything about it. Rather, it was shared in the spirit of "you are still a valued person in my life, with whom I want to share this with, despite the fact that you are a zombie and can't do anything other than give me a few words of congratulations or solace." It was an affirmation that I'm still part of a community, that life does wonderfully and terribly go on, and that I am still trusted enough to share in the joys and burdens of their lives. How wonderful.
And my husband. How could I have gotten through this death spiral without my Mike? He's successfully taken the Maryland and California Bar exams in the last year, so he intimately understands what I'm going through. But more importantly, he's been 100% there for me. Literally. Mike is still looking for a full-time job, but he intentionally decided against taking any contract work that would take him out of the house this summer. He's also passed on applying to jobs that would start anytime before August. When asked why, he kindly, but firmly, responds "My job this summer is to support my wife."
Last year when we told my parents we wanted to get married, my mom suggested we hold off on the wedding until after I took the Bar Exam, because she didn't want adjusting to living together to distract me from studying. (We are old school and did not live together before we got hitched). Mike wanted to be as respectful of my parents wishes as possible, but to this assertion he confidently told them, "Being married is going to help her studies, not harm them. Its going allow me to take even better care of your daughter during the Bar Exam, because we will be living together and I will be able to be around 24/7 to take care of her. She will be my family, my first priority." And its why we got married in March during my Spring Break.
I know most of us don't want our partners hovering all day long, and I know even fewer have that luxury in the first place. But I truly can't imagine going through this summer without Mike nearby. Even when I'm out of the house studying somewhere, the knowledge that I can leave at any time and go home to my husband for a hug has gotten me through more afternoons that I can count. Money has been tight and I know Mike is eager to work, but its been absolutely priceless to have him around. And when I was carted off to the ER with a 103 fever in June, and required 24 hour care at home for a solid week, my mom said Mike had been absolutely right to fight for an earlier wedding.
I've cried into the left armpit of Mike's shirts more times than I can count this summer. He just pats my shoulder, changes his sodden shirt, turns on the humidifier so I can breathe through my snot-clogged nostrils, and tells me its going to be okay. And when he tells me he understands, I know he does. He prays for me several times a day, either silently from the other room, or with me when he thinks I'm slipping into despair. And when I stomp through the house in ripped, stained wife-beaters and teal clearance PJ pants I bought for $3.74 because none of my clothes fit right now, he tells me I'm beautiful.
I've turned to my husband countless times this summer to apologize. For being mean. For being short-tempered. For not making any sense. For making him eat the same thing 4 days in a row, simply because all I want is rice and scrambled eggs for dinner. For never being home. For driving him nuts when I am home. For not doing any laundry, dishes, recycling or vacuuming in 2 months. For dragging him to Walmart at midnight because I need a specific kind of legal pad and highlighter. For going to Target in a daze and coming home with a bunch of junk we don't need, like teal PJ pants.
In other words, I'm definitely married to the one God made for me. The other day when I said "I'm sorry I'm such a psycho," Mike responded: "You've been this crazy the entire time I've known you. I've always known you were a nutbag. None of this is news to me. I knew you you'd drag me to the grocery store at 2am for tuna fish, or that you wouldn't shower, or that you'd want to yack about nonsense for 3 hours before going to bed every night and then complain that you were tired in the morning, before we got married. In fact, I knew all these things about you before we even started dating. I knew what I was getting into. And you're still absolutely the perfect wife for me."
So yes, studying for the Bar is horrible. Yes, its hard for people to understand what we're going through. But more often than not, our friends and family get it right. They know we're going through something awful and they want to help however they can. And despite all evidence pointing to the fact that we're huge, selfish assholes, they still trust us to share in their dreams and heartbreak. And they do so while letting our crazy hang out.
So thank you friends.
Thank you family.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Pass or fail, I couldn't have done it without you.
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